Dilemma: You are in the middle of a song, and you need to drink beer. What do you do?
Marty is an expert at drinking beer while playing, and here is his secret:
It is vitally important that you always have beer on or next to your amp. The key to drinking beer while playing is to continue playing while drinking (it’s kind of a Yin/Yang thing). Once this basic concept is understood, the rest is easy. For simplicity, we will refer to the left hand as the Yin, and the right hand as the Yang.
First: Ensure that beer is readily available. If it is not, refer to note A below.
- Contrary to common belief, it does not take two hands to play the guitar, unless you are playing Rush, Yes, or Dream Theater (see note B below). The trick is to find a spot where the Yin can hammer chords adequately, while the Yang attends to the much more important task of drinking beer.
- When you come to a spot in any given song when the Yin is anywhere within the second to sixth positions, move toward your amp, on which rests your beer. Your Yang can now be exposed to its full potential.
- Your Yang is now free to grasp the beer and thusly bring it to proper drinking position. While continuing to hammer the appropriate chords with the Yin, let your Yang drink beer.
- If for some reason your Yang cannot drink beer while your Yin hammers the correct chords simultaneously, it is vital that you set up a situation to make it look like the bass player fucked up.
- If for some strange reason you cannot blame the bass player, try to blame the drummer. But be warned, this is not easy. Drummers have relatively simple jobs—all they need to do is hit things—and they generally need to pass out before it looks like they screwed up.
- If you are drinking beer while soloing, the trick is to flaunt it. You can play Yngwie Malmsteen to the nuts and your audience won’t get it. Play any four notes as fast as you can with your Yin while your Yang drinks beer, people will think you are a God.
A): As a guitarist, chances are you have a microphone, or at least access to one. Microphones are excellent devices for ordering beer. Use them well, and use them often.
B): Never attempt to drink beer while playing songs by Rush, Yes, or Dream Theater. This would be sacrilege.